Punishment, blame, having to ‘do my share’ or else …  ‘you get what you deserve’ mentality, self-inflicting, deserved pain … never quite making it.  I wrote those thoughts down a few years ago.  But they were not my thoughts, they trickle in from time to time, but it’s not the truth and thank God that when attacks come I can usually recognize the lies.

Seeing those words reminded me of an exercise we did in our women’s Bible study quite some time ago.  We wrote down all the things that hold us back, our burdens, and gave them to God, tearing them up and standing on a cliff overlooking the sea, holding them out, praying, before dropping them in the ocean.  I remember standing there for so long before I let them go that my arm started to ache. Everyone had gone inside to celebrate over lunch.  Why did I feel the need to punish myself even then? It was as though I was hanging around, to prove I could even help him, instead of leaving my burdens with God in peace.  It may have been a coincidence but I began having shoulder issues after that!   I have come a long way since then.  My arthritis lingers on …

My church just finished a 6 week study on Ephesians about being Fully Equipped.  It addressed and helped my thinking and how I express myself in many ways.  It is liberating to be reminded that “we are seated in heaven with Christ and that the issues we face are ‘no big deal’ when viewed from the perspective of eternity and Jesus living in us”.  We are so conditioned not to believe the truth about us, and having to succeed based on not letting others down.  Most good things come out of failure which is so foreign to this age of ‘make or break’.  As my good friend, Pam Coke-Hamilton, said in her speech about ‘failing spectacularly’ to the graduates of University of the West Indies last week, ‘it is when you experience that kind of failure that shakes your foundations that you also come to the end of yourself. And it is one of the best places to be.  Those are called defining moments, for friendships, your core beliefs, your identity and the essence of who you are.  In those moments …..with just you and God, you will realise that it is enough’.*  And it is enough, more than enough.  When God shows up he will take you higher than you’ve ever imagined.

I have been there, but I had to be at my lowest point where I could not fix, or be strong anymore, I had to let go and let God in, and when I did, my whole life changed.

*( for full speech go to  http://www.carib-export.com/go-change-your-world/)

Today is Day 21 of Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release

I have always loved trees.  I liked to climb them, lie down under them and watch the leaves moving, the birds jumping from branch to branch, the limbs swaying, and the sky and clouds beyond.  I loved the varying colours of green, the cool shade that was provided.  The grounds of the first school I went to was full of old trees, mainly mahogany ones, with thick trunks and roots spreading all over the play area,  and beyond, ready to trip you up if you did not look where you were going.  I loved the art days when we were allowed to go outside and sketch, or the fine days when we could take our books outside and have a class in the open air.  I also loved when my teacher would take us on walks ‘to the Casuarina Trees’ on the outskirts of the school.  The sound of the breeze blowing through the huge cluster of trees was rather like the sound of the sea echoing in the distance and it was a very peaceful sound.   The trees had been there a very long time.  They looked old, but comfortable and comforting.  Tree trunks thick with rough, peeling grey bark, and upwards the long pine needles of the Casuarina shaking gently in the wind.  I longed to climb one, but I only ever climbed the almond tree in my own garden.  It was a large almond tree, and over my growing up years I would often climb through its limbs and relish in the freedom of being among the birds and creatures of the tree tops.  I sometimes swung upside down on a branch, or just sat upright and enjoyed the birds eye view.  I liked being alone with my thoughts and my active imagination.

I love nature, helped, I’m sure by my early school days.  the vibrant colours, sounds and sights, everything intricately designed for a specific purpose.  I love to see the trees change colour in autumn, although it doesn’t happen here.  Where I live there is one main season, but being surrounded by ocean, we get the benefit of the changing tides, and all that comes with the warmth year round.   God, our amazing creator, responsible for all of it.

Sometimes I long for those innocent, carefree Casuarina tree days.

Today is Day 19 of Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release, that I am writing for #write31days challenge.

A few years ago I embarked on a 6 month journey with members of my church.  In safe groups we shared our stories, our hearts, and learnt the truth about what Jesus thinks of us.  It was amazing. My group’s theme was titled ‘Free to be Me’, so appropriate for me.

One of our assignments was to write a letter to our “Poser”.  So this is excerpts of mine:

Dear Faker

You’ve made yourself very comfortable, but now it is time to get out of your comfort zone and to be ready for exposure.  There have been too many perfect pictures of smiling satisfaction and feeling good, when deep down you are ashamed and fearful, unworthy.  You have reached the point of no return.  No more lies and fake bravado, shirking from decision-making – it’s the truth or nothing.  I’m tired of you hiding away, lurking in the shadows, refusing to take a stand.  I am tired of going along, conforming to whoever I am with, in order to fit in with whichever group I happen to be with.  I want to shout from the rooftops, ‘I am God’s masterpiece, and he is everything to me!’ No more hiding and shrinking from saying the words to others, having Jesus in my conversation.

Stop with the analysing and deep thoughts… stop with your doubting and fearfulness, don’t bother going down that road… Pride is all stripped away, and none of that junk matters.  So no more playing games with my head anymore, you have been exposed…. There’s no need to make things complicated, I know I am free to be me at last!  

It was very freeing and healing to do this and to read it out loud to the group.  It doesn’t mean that I am completely free of my poser, he does still creep in from time to time.  But with God’s help I can usually recognise it and bring it to light, or someone who knows me well will show me the truth.  I am also full of joy that this Prison Break series I am writing right now, only by his loving grace, is exactly timed, and it’s where God wants me to be.

Today is Day 18 of Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release 

When I am asked, “What is your passion?”  How do I respond.  You got it,  It depends on who is doing the asking. Also, it depends on what stage I am in my life.  Unfortunately, I don’t often mention the one who takes up many of my daily thoughts.

When I started gymnastics at school, that was it.  When I started to water ski well, play tennis, those were passions.  When I had my first boyfriend, he was my passion.  When I got an exciting job, that was my passion.  My husband, my kids, of course, are my passion.  My writing, once lying dormant but now fully awakened, is my passion.

When I first began a relationship with Jesus, he was my passion.  I was excited to learn about him, to read the latest recommended book, to read through the Bible, trying to fathom his very existence when he was here on earth all those years ago, imagining being there and watching his miracles, eating some of the multiplied bread and fish, the full charge of excitement and joy when he ascended into heaven, leaving us with everything we needed to keep things going and carry on his work.  I loved to hear people talking about him, to hear their dramatic stories of changed lives.  I loved the community of church.  I still love those things, but the freshness, the excitement has dwindled away somewhat.  I long to get it back.  But the truth is I have it, I have him inside of me, and no matter how I feel, I can rest in the truth of knowing that.  I don’t have to be excited every day, I know the truth, and it sets me free.

If I could only express this mystery more clearly to others.  If I could only get a few of my tears out, which are waiting to be caught by Jesus, I think I would be able to talk more freely about him.

But right now, I am okay where I am, and he is more than okay with me.

Today is Day 16 of the series Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release, that I am writing for #write31days challenge.

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Half way through this write 31 days series!  The posts have sometimes been off the beaten track, but I understand this happens with writers as new ideas emerge and need to be voiced.

I wrote the following almost exactly 2 years ago in one of my journals:  “I’ve realised that I have been living through someone else.  I have been reveling in their glory.  I have been spending too much time waiting, not on God, but waiting to hear more, to satisfy my craving, my idol: Facebook / electronic recognition.  There, I have admitted it – I crave recognition, I crave encouragement, and I get it this way, through someone else’s success – my son, my daughter’s achievements, my Moms in Prayer Ministry  …     What am I really afraid of?  Failure, rejection, not pleasing people close to me?  Just do it – do that desire of my heart.  Don’t just dream and adopt a defeatist attitude.  Do what you’ve wanted to do ever since you were a teenager. It’s not too late.  Do what you’ve been called to do …. Get it done!”

Was that a spectacular, headline prison break that we were all waiting for? Not quite, I’m afraid.  More likely, after 2 years I was being released on my own recognizance, on the condition I write every day. And since 2 weeks ago I am a fully fledged joy Writer.

I used to be glued to Facebook.  Somehow it provided that safety, that ‘good’ procastination, that partial connectivity, that acceptability, satisfying that deepest longing to be known. But Facebook was my time stealer, and I was able to get unstuck eventually.  I still go on it every few days for a few minutes to check messages and see if the kids have posted anything, or to wish a friend a happy birthday or to ‘like’ something spectacular.  And my heart still skips a beat hearing from the kids, both overseas, they communicate well and often with us.   And I am still in other mini-prisons, a bit like holding cells, for chocoholics and nail biters.

I am not too bothered.  I am doing what I love.

Today is Day 15 of the series Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 days of Inner Release that I am writing for #write31days challenge.

I want to take you back to a time very early on in my new found faith, the summer of 2008.

My son was 5 years old and my daughter was close to 18 months.  He was complaining of abdominal pain and he had an upset stomach.  Over the next few days he was to become very lethargic, and after seeing the doctor and it was discovered that his blood count was 5, we were sent directly to the hospital.  He would spend 2 weeks there.  Blood transfusions and many tests later, days stretching  to a week, before it was finally discovered that he had Meckel’s Diverticulum, bleeding of the tip of his intestine.  It was a very anxious time, when everything was uncertain, and to see his little frame connected to a drip and lying in the hospital bed was heartbreaking.  He hated injections and he was stuck many times, each time screaming louder than the last.

He had the operation he needed, it was a success and he would leave hospital a few days later.  We even got to travel to the UK for our planned holiday shortly afterwards.

What I remember during that entire ordeal is the peace I felt. I was not afraid.  I was told later that there were many people I didn’t even know praying for us, for our son to recover fully, and for him to go on to great things.  The peace I felt was beyond understanding, except I knew it came from God.  I knew he would be alright.  That scared, pale little boy has grown into a 6 foot tall, 180 pound delightful young man, full of compassion and adventure.

I’ve seen God answer so many prayers in his life, as well as in the lives of my daughter, husband and countless others that I have had the privilege to pray for.  There is massive power unleashed in prayer, and great rejoicing and excitement in seeing the answers come.  And prayer brings you peace.           Keep going!

Today is day 14 of my series Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release that I am writing for #write31days challenge