It seemed like forever, but I was just over 2 weeks in the psych ward being treated for post-natal depression, another 2 weeks staying with my parents, before I was ready to return home to my normal routine. Thankfully, the children were too young to have been affected by my separation from them. For me, the time away from my baby during that early bonding period was enough to cause me to feel guilt in later years. I remained on anti-depressants for 2 years. I would need them again many years on, but that’s for another time.
My recovery was faster than most. I had the support of an amazing husband and family, a few close friends, a Christian psychiatrist and my new Living Hope. Those close to me could not quite grasp my new found ‘religion’ but put it down to a passing phase caused by the trauma of my illness. I looked for a Bible study and found two to attend. I eventually started attending church regularly. I remember being so excited about what I was learning and people I was meeting, but I never could get those close to me to share my excitement. I sensed their discomfort and relief when the subject was changed. Eventually I stopped talking with my family and friends about my new relationship with Jesus. I almost led a double life, doing life with my church friends, and doing life with my BC friends (Before Christ). It was hard for my husband to adjust to the change going on within me, but time and prayer and love took care of us as a couple. Now he likes knowing that I am praying for him and I have perceived ways that Jesus has subtly and gently moved him closer to him, in our now 25 years together.
My journey with God has been turbulent, joyful, confusing, intimate, distant, uptight (on my part), up and down, crazy … but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. To think God chose me! I never thought it was possible to enjoy a close relationship with Jesus. Now, I could never imagine a life without him. One of the prison releases I am hoping to tell you during these 31 days and beyond is that my courage has built up enough to tell people. To share Jesus from my heart. Up to yesterday, I had the chance to share a bit of myself with an acquaintance. Instead of telling him about what really makes me tick and be excited, I downplayed my world, and gave him a brief answer of what I had been up to. The fear, the tiny still voice held back for so long, is on the brink of shouting.