My daughter asked me today why do I often have hesitation in my voice when I pray for her. I love her. She always is so honest! I need that! I answered her that it’s because I think she doesn’t always want to hear what I am saying. Maybe she sighs inwardly, yet she never says, ‘Mum, Stop, don’t pray for me’.
Are there any people that refuse offers to pray for them? I doubt it. Yet those fears, feelings of rejection, condemnation, people-pleasing linger … tough ones. They have stopped me from doing or saying a lot. Especially a sensitive person like me, who often gives up too soon. I have wrestled for a long time. But I am breaking out of the prison.
What I write, what I say, is not going to sit well with everyone, but that’s okay. In fact, I have probably lost readers since I have subtly been writing more ‘spiritual words’ . I have spent too much of my life conforming to what is expected of me, saying what people expect to hear, agreeing when I don’t really, because I don’t have the confidence to express myself properly, or I am too afraid of getting people upset, going against the norm. It must be so difficult for young people in these times, when every expression, thought, image is instantly analysed and assessed. But if they can just get to the place beyond all of that, and they are free to be who they really are, without fear, knowing their true value, believing it and living it.
What I have found is that when I broke past the fear, it was really never as bad as I imagined. Fear was my foothold for too long. Fear of speaking up in class in case I stammered, at boarding school fear of not having anyone to sit with in the dining hall and feeling that every eye is on me because I am alone. Thoughts of failing as a wife, mother … I have overcome, thanks to safe places where I could share, good Bible teaching, my prayer groups, my affirming family. And I am more than thankful.
Today is Day 13 of my series Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release that I am writing for #write31days challenge.