Day 20 of Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release

I was looking back in my journals and found the last time I cried.  It was April 2013.  Our old family dog, a beautiful grey weimaraner cross, was riddled with arthritis, deaf and having difficulty controlling her bodily functions.  We had hung on to her for as long as we could, but we had to let her go.  She was a smart dog, and knew her time was near.  Sometimes, she would look at me as if trying to tell me she was in pain and she was tired.  My husband said goodbye to her before he went to work.  I drove to the vet with her.  I called my best friend and she insisted on meeting me there.  In the vet’s office I was told the inevitable – we could wait, but perhaps the time was now for her to be out of her pain. She had a good run, 15 years, but it did not make it any easier.  The tears started when I saw the look of pity in the vet’s eyes, then the soulful hazel canine eyes.  She understood and trusted me.  I hugged and kissed our family 4 legged friend, companion, that intelligent home protector, that fun, lively one with a perfect ridge down her back.  I couldn’t look back.  I could barely see as I paid the receptionist and went out to the car, sitting with my good friend for a long time.  I sobbed, briefly, and cried for longer.

I didn’t bottle those tears, but on reflection I should have.  But it’s okay, Jesus did.

When my son left for boarding school far away from home for the first time I did not cry saying goodbye to him. My eyes were damp and misty but not enough accumulating to fall.  His dad cried, but I was to cry later, back home in his room, missing him terribly.  At least I had my daughter still at home.  When she left, 4 years later, I also saved my tears for later, my throat ached and I choked but could not cry at the physical parting.  I am a slow reactor.  It’s hard when you want to release to have to wait for the tears.  The numbness lingers and the waiting can be very long.

Today is Day 20 of Prison Break of Thoughts – 31 Days of Inner Release, that I am writing for #write31days challenge.